I think yelling at white people and calling them out help(ed) to some extent. I think it's still useful to me to get yelled at to do better. And I don't mind the jokes mostly, although some of them I just don't get (like the jokes about how white people don't wash themselves thoroughly - that doesn't offend me, I just don't get it because I'm pretty sure that I and every other white person I know DOES wash thoroughly).

But you're not wrong, either, it's sometimes hard to know what to say, how to say it, how to participate and so on. If I had an invite to an event and could invite others, and I knew you (we're both in DC I guess?), I wouldn't have failed to invite you because I would be afraid you'd say how white it was, but I would at least THINK about you saying that as I invited you. If I were invited to a henna party (which I probably wouldn't be), I might also hesitate for the same reason. And so on. There's no easy answer.

I want to do the right thing, and I don't want to do it just so I'll feel better, but I also don't want to feel bad for not always knowing what the right thing is due to my white perspective. I think this is going to be a problem for a long, long time, and I hate that.